I guess the title suggests what this blog will be about – – heart ache. However, this will no be heartache in the classic sense – – boy meets girl, girl loves boy and vice versa, boy/girl breaks the other’s heart – – nothing like that. I’m speaking about the heart ache that comes from losing somebody who you thought you never would. The loss of a best friend.
Let me share my experience. In school I didn’t have that many friends – – some – – not many. Enter my best friend. He was transferred from another school and we bonded one day after school while both standing waiting to be fetched. I knew who he was and he knew I was, and we kept looking at each other – – too shy to strike up a conversation. At that moment a swarm of bees came buzzing past – – you have never seen two chubby kids run so fast! 😀 We ended up laughing as we ran away and while I wish the start of our friendship had been more poetic – – that was it. We became best friends quickly after that :).
Throughout high school we were inseparable. I told him everything and he told me everything. I told him about my first kiss, my first boyfriend – – he told me about his first girlfriend, his first cigarette, and later – – I was one of the first he told when he realised he was gay. We always bonded over music, movies, books . . . Two nerds who had been separated at birth! My first public performance as a singer was with him at age 15. The two of us were there for each other through everything. We would have long talks over the phone, and sometimes he would show up in the middle of the night when he needed someone to talk to, He was my best friend – – my family. We had the kind of friendship so steeped in history that our conversations were filled with inside jokes so much so that outsiders never had a clue what we were talking about! 🙂 All this right up until our final year at school. . .
Everybody always told me that everything changes when you leave school and I always thought that we would be the exception and never the rule.
In our first year at university we were experimenting with the whole wild party scene but I quickly grew tired of it and he didn’t. He quickly became absorbed in wild parties and night life, and I pulled away from it. Still – – we would see each other on the odd occasion, have a laugh or two, and things were good. It wasn’t until I became totally focused on my studies and entered a serious relationship that everything changed.
Let me just say – – my boyfriend is wonderful. He is understanding, patient, funny and kind. I love him with all my heart. He is a geek (just like me) and most of our Friday nights are spent at home together cooking supper, drinking hot chocolate and watching game shows. We like it – – it makes us happy 🙂 It goes without saying – – I no longer attended the raucous parties, and quickly my best friend started spreading stories about me. “I’m dull”, “I’ve become boring.”, “My boyfriend controls my life.”, “I’ve changed.” and so on. He told everybody that our friendship was over – – except me.
I would be lying if I said it hasn’t been one of the most painful experiences of my life. To know your best friend is saying such things about you comes as a shock. It’s scary to see that maybe he never really knew me. Maybe he never actually knew that deep down I’m this serious little bookworm. Maybe he never actually knew me. Maybe half my life that I’ve dedicated to our friendship was a waste 😦 . Maybe, actually – – it was okay being friends while I was what he wanted me to be. It’s like I want to scream and say “it’s me! Do you not realise it’s me you doing this to? Your oldest friend? It’s me you shutting out your life!” I really saw the two of us rattling around an old age home someday, wrecking absolute havoc together! But sadly often life doesn’t work out the way we plan. I think a quote from Nicholas Sparks explains why this hurts so much – – ” The reason it hurts so much to seperate is because our souls are connected.”
Though it hurts like hell and I may miss my friend everyday, I have to just be strong & know that maybe sometimes people have their own paths to walk – – and sometimes that path may not include who you think you will. There isn’t much point in being bitter. All I can do is be grateful for the memories and 11 years of beautiful friendship and know – – “Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” You live and you learn!
Goodbye my special friend. I’ll always love and miss you ❤